Answers to Common Questions About Counseling:

• When should you seek counseling?
• What is professional counseling?
• Who are professional counselors?
• Will my health insurance cover counseling?
• How much does counseling cost?
• How long does counseling take?
• Is everything I say confidential?
• Does going to counseling jeopardize your security clearance?
• How do I find a counselor?

Dr. John Gottman’s Marriage Tips 101

Since 1973, Dr. John Gottman has studied what he calls the "masters and disasters" of marriage. Ordinary people from the general public took part in long-term studies, and Dr. Gottman learned what makes marriages fail, what makes them succeed, and what can make marriages a source of great meaning. By examining partners’ heart rates, facial expressions, and how they talk about their relationship to each other and to other people, Dr. Gottman is able to predict with more than 90% accuracy which couples will make it, and which will not.

What advice does Dr. Gottman have to offer? Below are some of his top suggestions for how to keep your marriage strong.

Seek help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems (and keep in mind, half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years). This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.

Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.

Soften your "start up." Arguments first "start up" because a spouse sometimes escalates the conflict from the get-go by making a critical or contemptuous remark in a confrontational tone. Bring up problems gently and without blame.

Accept influence. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. If a woman says, "Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready," and her husband replies, "My plans are set, and I'm not changing them". This guy is in a shaky marriage. A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well.

Have high standards. Happy couples have high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.

Learn to repair and exit the argument. Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated; using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark ("I understand that this is hard for you"); making it clear you're on common ground ("This is our problem"); backing down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way ("I really appreciate and want to thank you for.…"). If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.

Focus on the bright side. In a happy marriage, while discussing problems, couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones. For example, "We laugh a lot;" not, "We never have any fun". A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity. Make deposits to your emotional bank account.
Source: http://www.gottman.com/marriage/self_help/

If you'd like to test your relationship, take the couples quiz.

The Coming Home Project offers free, confidential group support and stress management retreats for OIF and OEF veterans and families. A multidisciplinary team of veterans, family members, psychotherapists and interfaith leaders, we are devoted to offering innovative, compassionate care to address the mental, emotional, spiritual and relationship problems service members face. Our retreats invite participants to share experiences and stories, struggles and breakthroughs, in an atmosphere of mutual support, safety, and trust; to find understanding and acceptance; to learn new skills, like mindfulness and yoga, for reducing stress and anxiety and enhancing well-being; to improve communication and relationships; to express what cannot be spoken through expressive means such as writing and drawing; to enjoy invigorating outdoor recreational activities in scenic, peaceful settings; and to tend and transform the invisible injuries of war in heart, mind, identity, spirit, and relationships. 

Join other veterans and families to:

• Support one another in the passage of return and reentry.
• Share experiences and stories of service and return.
• Learn useful skills for managing strong feelings, reducing stress and anxiety, and enhancing well-being.
• Improve communication and relationships.
• Find comfort and strength, safety and trust, in community with fellow veterans and families.

Workshops and retreats are open to all Iraq and Afghanistan veterans and families. No particular political, ideological or religious belief or affiliation is represented or required. Everyone is welcome as they are and all will be honored and treated with respect. The intention of Coming Home is to serve veterans and families and contribute to their well-being and healing, not to convert anyone to a particular point of view. Retreats are facilitated by veterans, psychotherapists, and interfaith leaders who are experienced with trauma and the challenges faced by returning veterans and their families. The workshops are free, confidential and we offer travel and lodging scholarships for those outside of the San Francisco Bay Area. They are not psychotherapy, but they are therapeutic.

Retreats fill up quickly! Visit their web site to see what retreats are currently being offered http://www.cominghomeproject.net

Check Back Soon for Updates!

Please call (605) 385-4663 to register for briefings, classes or workshops.

The Love Map: Relationship Seminars
March 9th, 16th, 23rd, & 30th
from 6 to 7 PM

Call (605) 385-4663
before March 5th to register.

Limited to 10 couples!

At Your Doorstep: Creating Family Connections Outdoors
Families who spend time outside together with their children in natural environments can increase their physical activity, connect family members with one another, and connect children with nature. Learn about a new toolkit, At Your Doorstep, developed by educators at North Carolina State University, aimed at increasing opportunities for parents and children to spend more time together outdoors.

What Are The Warning Signs For Suicide?

Seek help as soon as possible by contacting a mental health professional or by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) if you or someone you know exhibits any of the following signs:

• Threatening to hurt or kill oneself or talking about wanting to hurt or kill oneself
• Looking for ways to kill oneself by seeking access to firearms, available pills, or other means
• Talking or writing about death, dying, or suicide when these actions are out of the ordinary for the person
• Feeling hopeless
• Feeling rage or uncontrolled anger or seeking revenge
• Acting reckless or engaging in risky activities - seemingly without thinking
• Feeling trapped - like there's no way out
• Increasing alcohol or drug use
• Withdrawing from friends, family, and society
• Feeling anxious, agitated, or unable to sleep or sleeping all the time
• Experiencing dramatic mood changes
• Seeing no reason for living or having no sense of purpose in life